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Understanding
Grief
What is Grief?
Grief occurs in response to the loss of
someone or something. The loss may involve a loved one,
a job, or possibly a role (student entering the workplace
or employee entering retirement). Anyone can experience
grief and loss. It can be sudden or expected; however,
individuals are unique in how they experience this event.
Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss.
There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to
loss. Some are healthy coping mechanisms and some may
hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize
that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process.
Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing
an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.
Common Reactions to Loss:
Individuals experiencing grief from a
loss may choose a variety of ways of expressing it. No
two people will respond to the same loss in the same way.
It is important to note that phases of grief exist; however,
they do not depict a specific way to respond to loss.
Rather, stages of grief reflect a variety of reactions
that may surface as an individual makes sense of how this
loss affects them. Experiencing and accepting all feelings
remains an important part of the healing process.
Denial, numbness, and shock
- This serves to protect the individual from experiencing
the intensity of the loss.
- Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss
and should not be confused with "lack of caring".
- Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual
slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying
feelings.
Anger
- This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels
helpless and powerless.
- Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring
in cases of loss through death.
- Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s
higher power or toward life in general for the injustice
of this loss.
- After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may
surface due to expressing these negative feelings.
- Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored
to resolve the grief.
Bargaining
- At times, individuals may ruminate about what could
have been done to prevent the loss.
- Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that
things could have been better, imagining all the things
that will never be.
- This reaction can provide insight into the impact
of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense
feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing
process.
Depression
- After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some
individuals may experience depressive symptoms.
- Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and
concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms.
- Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and
self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing
to this reactive depression.
- For many, this phase must be experienced in order
to begin reorganizing one’s life.
Acceptance
- Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve
the range of feelings that surface.
- The grieving process supports the individual. That
is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated
into the individual’s set of life experiences.
- Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings
throughout one’s lifetime.
- There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each
individual should define one’s own healing process.
Factors that may hinder the healing process:
- Avoiding your emotions
- Over-activity to the point of exhaustion
- Using alcohol or other drugs to mask the grief
- Unrealistic promises made to the deceased
- Unresolved grief from a previous loss
- Judgmental relationships
- Acting resentful to those who try to help
Guidelines that may help resolve grief
Seldom does a person go into one side
of grief and come out the other side the same as before
the loss. Think of going through your grief, rather than
getting over the loss. By seeing the process through,
you can develop personal strengths to cope with other
types of loss and difficulties that may come up later
in life. Acceptance of the loss means gaining a perspective
- a new sense of self and what you can do with you life.
You may find the following helpful:
- Give yourself some quiet time alone to think about
moving toward a new equilibrium - a transition from
who you were before the loss to who you will be after
the grieving process.
- Be as open as you can be in expressing your feelings;
cry if you need to. Express any anger or sense of unfairness
if you feel it.
- Play out in your mind the unfinished business in the
relationship and try to come to a resolution; say good-bye.
- Tell someone you trust the story of your loss.
- Try to focus on what you were able to do for the deceased,
instead of what you "should have done" or could have
done.
- Use a journal to document the healing process.
- Bereavement groups provide an opportunity to share
grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
- If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek
professional help.
Seeking Professional Help
Grieving, as natural and
healthy as it is, can also be a painful and frightening
thing to go through. If you'd like to talk to someone
about anything you've read here, or anything that the
reading this might have stirred up for you, please contact
Counseling Services at (715) 425-3884.
Being Helpful To Others
Social support for the bereaved is most
important. Others can provide a patient presence to allow
the bereaved an opportunity to tell the story of the loss
and to share how he or she is feeling. Remember that it
is up to the individual to get through the grieving process;
others can only provide support. If you are concerned
for someone who appears to be having a difficult time
managing alone, you may want to suggest seeking professional
assistance.
Recommended Reading
Death, The Final Stage of Growth.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1975 Kubler-Ross,
Elisabeth
On Death and Dying. New York:
MacMillan, 1969 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth
When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
New York: Schocken Books, 1981Kushner, H.S.
This handout was created by Carolyn
Mildner, M.A.
Courtesy of University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh
Counseling Center
This Link may also be helpful:
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
& David Kessler: Help with grief process
HELPGUIDE.org:
Coping with grief and loss
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